Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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