My Higher Power is John Stamos
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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