Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
