Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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