Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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