you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How does it feel to date your dad?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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