I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
