Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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