There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
