im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
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Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
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I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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