you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We just shotgunned beers for America
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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