Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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