when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
