I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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