my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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