we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
