Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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