I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
