Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
