update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
