seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We were destined to go to rehab together
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
