i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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