my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
