My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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