Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
