My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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