I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
