I want you more than these girls want KFC
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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