dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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