Girls should come with a carfax report
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
