my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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