Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
