my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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