I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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