It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
