answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
