I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
