i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
