life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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