I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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