If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
