Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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