dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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