He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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