I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
