WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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