He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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