I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
