Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
