Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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