Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
