Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
