Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
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I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
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i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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