I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
