after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
